Accept Responsibility for Yourself

A friend of mine works at an out-of-state loan company. A young lady for whom he had arranged a car loan subsequently wrecked the car. When the next loan payment was several weeks overdue, my friend called the young lady to inquire about her tardiness. The young woman argued vehemently that she did not think she should have to pay the loan because she no longer had the car. My friend talked patiently with her for some time, trying to explain why she still had to pay off the loan.

Tales of a lack of personal responsibility are rampant: the chronically late person who blames a malfunctioning alarm clock, the alcoholic who blames a decades-old divorce, and the speeder who swears to the patrolman that the radar must be broken. There are certain beliefs held by many who do not take responsibility for themselves: "My parents (or siblings or friends, etc.) made me what I am today." "Life is so unfair. If only I had better luck and had been born to a healthier or richer family I'd be in great shape." "Everybody is picking on me. Lots of people break the rules, but I always get caught."

Avoiding responsibility for one's self results in some rather crippling characteristics.

• Being overly dependent on others for recognition and acceptance
• Being hostile or depressed over how unfairly you are treated
• Being unsuccessful in relationships and in the enterprises taken on in life
• Being unable to develop trust – it is hard to trust others when you yourself are not trustworthy.

The main consequence of blaming others for what happens in your life is that it undermines your ability to know how greatly your own thoughts and actions determine your ability to succeed in life. Blaming others keeps people stuck in "victimhood," powerless and fearful.

Accepting responsibility for yourself includes acknowledging that people and circumstances may have influenced who you are today, but you alone are responsible for who you become. It requires you to stop feeling sorry for the "bum deal" you've been handed, take hold of your life, and give it direction and reason.

Psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden believes the following areas of self-responsibility are critically important:

1. Consciousness. You have a choice. You can either be fully attentive when you are making critical decisions, such as working on a project or deciding whether to have another drink, or you can be physically present but mentally absent. Either way, you are responsible for the level of consciousness you bring to any occasion and for the results.
2. Decisions and actions. It is tempting to "disconnect" from our choices, but no one can make you think in a certain way and rarely, if ever, will you be physically forced to do something against your will. YOU are responsible for how you speak and listen, whether you act rationally or not, whether you treat others fairly or unfairly, and whether you keep or break your promises. Once you realize that you are the source of your own decisions and actions, you are far more like to proceed wisely and make choices that will not result in embarrassment or regret.
3. Happiness. If you come to understand that your happiness is primarily in your own hands, you give yourself enormous power. You do not wait for events or other people to bring happiness and if something is wrong, you don't think, "Somebody's got to do something!" Your response is, "What can I do?"
4. Actions in response to feelings and emotions. When you're angry you may feel like lashing out at someone and when you're hurt you might feel like sulking. The good news is this: you do not have to act on every feeling or urge. You can choose to cool off, talk about the situation respectfully, and be more thoughtful and less impulsive.
5. Choice of companions. You can blame and resent others when they repeatedly hurt or disappoint you. You can feel sorry for yourself. Or you can recognize your responsibility for choosing with whom you spend time and make different choices.
6. Setting priorities. The way we spend time and energy is either in sync with our values or out of sync with what we claim is important. If we understand that the way we prioritize our resources is our own choice, we are more likely to correct the contradictions.
7. One's own life and well-being. If you take responsibility for your own life, you will honor other people's right to do the same. Others do not exist as a means to your ends nor are you born with a right to their assets or energy. Delete any sense of entitlement from your life.

Accepting responsibility for ourselves is one of the most liberating habits we can develop; it frees us from the burden of believing that we do not have options and brings the reality that we can do whatever we choose to do in life.