Letting Go

We stockpile many things as we progress through life – material things, relationships, emotions, attitudes and beliefs – but many of us find that our progression through life is also a process of letting go, of ridding ourselves of whatever we no longer need or what stands between us and enjoyment of life. Letting go often feels scary but can be a cleansing and freeing process.

• Material things. Organizing consultants define clutter as anything you possess that does not enhance your life on a regular basis. A person's unwillingness to part with things happens for a variety of reasons. Highly energetic and creative people save stuff that represents opportunity ("I'd better not throw that away because I might be able to use it someday"), but what makes them successful – creative, right-brained activities – also makes them lousy at organizing their surroundings – analytical, left-brained activities. And, of course, if you cannot find something it is of no use anyway. People who have lived in poverty may feel they should not throw anything away. Others believe that possessions will fill a void or make them happy. Regardless of the reason, clutter can be a huge drain on one's time, energy and budget.
  
  
• Relationships. Of course we do not cast off every imperfect relationship or we would be forever alone. But we can analyze those relationships that are harmful or draining to us. If that relationship was a bank account, are you the only one depositing money? Is the other person making all of the withdrawals? Emotional bankruptcy in any relationship is not mandatory, it is optional. Set boundaries or, when and if you are able, close the account.
  
  
• Emotions. Letting go of harmful emotions may be most difficult. Long-term guilt, anger or resentment can be lethal. We have to hang on to what is helpful to us now and in the future, not what served us well in the past. Those emotions can be useful only for as long as they lead us to make changes or resolve problems, but cannot be allowed to thrive forever.
  
  A woman I'll call Jane suffers from chronic parenting guilt. Ironically, by most standards she is a good mother, but she replays over and over in her mind the occasions when she believes she was harsh or unfair. She does not realize that her guilt is not only a form of self-punishment, but takes its toll on her children as well. Instead of using twinges of guilt to acknowledge imperfection and make a mental note to change her approach, she fed the guilt until it became monstrous. Her children are burdened by her constant need for forgiveness and reassurance.
  
  Anger and resentment can also be nurtured into monstrous proportions. Both can be functional short-term emotions, but can be deadly when hoarded. With harmful emotions, big or small: Apologize. Make amends. Confront. Take action. Do whatever you have to do to finally let go.

• Attitudes and beliefs. Stemming from every experience we have ever had, we develop a system of core beliefs and attitudes about the world.  Some serve us well forever; some no longer apply or are actually harmful. Abused children often believe that they cannot trust anyone, though they may meet many trustworthy people along the way. People with inferiority complexes develop superior attitudes to protect their egos, then become threatened by the slightest criticism and judge others as harshly as they feel they have been judged.
  
  The funny thing about core beliefs is that they generally determine our future reality, just as the beliefs themselves were formed in response to a past reality. If you believe that people are mostly untrustworthy, you will be drawn to the evidence that supports that belief; if you nurture a belief that folks are mostly trustworthy, you will find trustworthy people everywhere. If you believe that life is mostly full of misery, you will be correct – it will be miserable. If you believe that life is mostly joyous, you will also be correct – you will experience many joyful times.
  
  Examine old beliefs and attitudes that form barriers between you and your potential for a fulfilling life and cull them out. Letting go does not mean losing ourselves, it means purging from our lives those things, people, emotions and beliefs that keep us from mental and physical health.